The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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