he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
is that a dick in a sweater?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
