I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
