just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
