Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
