Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
