The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We don't watch enough power rangers
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
