I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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