watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
