Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
They are going to name an STD after you.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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