I met the friendliest cop last night
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
