very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
