wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
