So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I've blown a few things in my day
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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