I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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