After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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