I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
