is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
