I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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