I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
