Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
