Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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