I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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