I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
