I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
