This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
