he puts the penis in happiness.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
do herpes really smell.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
