Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
