I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
