wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
