dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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