well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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