Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
