Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
