my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
