I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Even my vagina gasped.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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