if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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