drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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