I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
