That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
