mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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