Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
