so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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