I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Randomize
