Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
