my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
