i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
