I wish my penis had an off switch
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
