Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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