dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
